That Doll on the Back Shelf

2008-07-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

its late...my boyfriend is laying in bed asleep...and all I can think of is what would happen if I left the house and disappeared...

I want to hurt myself, but I can't do that to him. I almost broke a mirror the other day. I wanted to put my hand through it, watch it shatter, watch my hand bleed.

I only identify life through pain. I want to suffer.

I know I'm broken.

What happens to a doll that cannot be repaired?

2006-12-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

I started the evening yesterday in such an awesome mood.

I wish it had stayed that way. I found out what in most people's brains would be an inaucuous bit of information. My fiance went to see the movie Stranger Than Fiction with a girl named Suzy, an old friend of his. Originally it was supposed to be him, Suzy, and Maggie, but Maggie bailed last minute.

Before I go on its important to state that he does not have a thing for her. He never has.

But she did. Just over a year ago that was one of the problems that led to the explosion and complete dissolution of our friendship. She confessed to me that she had a thing for my boyfriend...and I didn't care. I wasn't upset or angry with her.

This upset her. She apparently got mad cause I wasn't. She was also going through a lot of nasty emotional problems at the time and I was getting increasingly worried about her. I was afraid she was gonna hurt herself. I asked our friends for advice. They said to wait to do anything until she'd gone home for Christams and see if things improved for her then.

That seemed fairly reasonable to me. So I waited. Then things got significantly worse. I don't remember the exact event that triggered it, but I was at my wits end. The friend's who I'd gone to for advice convinced me to do it...to call her mother for help. It was the only thing I could think to do. Pat (Suzy's mom) was the only person I knew had enough of a role in her life to help. So I did. And all hell broke loose. Suzy went back to New York thinking that I hated her and treating me like shit. I was the only person she was mad at. Everyone else was blameless. She even told my fiance that she didn't blame him for his actions because he was just doing what I told him.

So, where were the friends who'd given me the advice? Nowhere to be seen. They didn't wanna take sides...bullshit. They didn't wanna have to deal with the consequences of what they were involved in, which meant that I got hung up to dry.

They didn't lose anything. I did. They got to go right back to being all cosy with her, sharing her life. I didn't. And they have the gall to get frustrated that Suzy and I still haven't made up. I'm sorry I can't forget what she did and said. I'm sorry I can't turn off yet another horrible memory in my life and simply move on. I'm tired of being the one who tries to patch everything up. I've done it my whole goddamn life and its grotesquely unfair. She has not put forth the effort so why the hell should I have to?

The truly sick part is that I will probably try and talk to her. I hold absolutely no hope whatsoever for that conversation given the absurd misconceptions she took away from the original fight. She doesn't want to hear that they might be wrong because that would spoil her little universe in which her deeply inset problems aren't real and its perfectly normal to talk to your friends about the offhand contemplation of suicide. It would also prove that what she did to me was truly heinous. She was one of my closest friends... She is one of two people who have ever come that close to making me break down completely, managed to make me hate myself quite so thoroughly to the point of ceasing to fully function.

So when that train crashes, just make sure to give my hideously mangled corpse a proper burial.

Kind Eerie...took this after the previous post but they connect well (see one before)

2006-12-03T01:56:00.000-08:00

the Questioner

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,
friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved
and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me
1. Be direct and clear.
2. Listen to me carefully.
3. Don't judge me for my anxiety.
4. Work things through with me.
5. Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
6. Laugh and make jokes with me.
7. Gently push me toward new experiences.
8. Try not to overreact to my overreacting.
What I Like About Being a Six
1. being committed and faithful to family and friends
2. being responsible and hardworking
3. being compassionate toward others
4. having intellect and wit
5. being a nonconformist
6. confronting danger bravely
7. being direct and assertive
What's Hard About Being a Six
1. the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
2. procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence
in myself
3. fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
4. exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
5. wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
6. being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper
SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

2006-12-03T01:14:00.000-08:00

I made an interesting realization today about some of the fears I've been trying to work through.

I have abandonement issues.

The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. A good number of friends that I've had in previous years, people I considered to be my best friends, have deserted me in some form or another. Not "we fell out of touch", not "we grew apart", but actually ditched me like a moth-eaten sweater.

Even now that I have true friends who love me as much as I love them, I still end up feeling terrified that I'm going to drive them away like I did everyone else. I know on an intellectual level that their actions were theirs and theirs alone, that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, but it doesn't help on a deeper level. That insecurity sits there, waiting to rear its head when I least need it too (which of course is how all insecurities work).

If someone who usually spends a lot of time with, suddenly doesn't as much, I end up worrying. The sad part is that it doesn't have to be a terribly long period of time. At first I try and rationalize that its that they are just busy...trying anything to squash that little niggling feeling that's attempting to say its happening again. Sometimes its true...they are just busy. They don't mean anything when they fall out of contact for awhile. But sometimes I know I need to realize that when someone is too busy to keep any sort of contact, that perhaps you are not as important to them as they are to you. And those worries and fears come rushing back.

It also happens when you make a jump you because you know you have the support, but then almost no one is there to catch you. They said they would, but something changed. Maybe they got scared or maybe thought that you didn't need to be caught, I don't know. It doesn't make them bad people, or mean that they don't like you. Perhaps it just means they couldn't see it, couldn't see that you needed them. That still hurts though. You end up feeling invisible...even more insecure than before. Then you wonder if you should talk to them, but you're too scared of the reaction or the response to do it.

*sigh* I would love to think I over-analyze the situations, but in truth if I didn't I would get hurt even worse.

2006-11-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

What am I?

A 5’9” unimpressive female with dyed red hair, blue eyes, and a narrow nose that falls into the full-figured/slightly chubby category at 20 years old.

Who am I?

A geek, who loves a male geek and owns three cats. I am an artist, a lover, a friend…some hate me, some don’t. I care or don’t. I worry about everything, even when I know I shouldn’t. I am often scared. Sometimes I wish that life were like the movies even though I’m an adult. What I don’t know about being insecure could fit into a teacup, but I am strong. I have hurt myself before, but will never do it again. I cry both when I am happy and when I am sad. In anger, I am mostly hot air if it’s about me. But if something is hurting a friend, my anger is not something to test. I’m good some boards games and crappy at most video games. The most advanced system I’ve actually owned is an original Nintendo. I think women are far more beautiful than men, but I am not a lesbian. Bisexual is not a state of confusion.

I love to dance, almost more than I like to draw. And I’m good, but I let my mind hold me back. I desperately want to own a house someday, but I love to travel. I daydream more than most. At night, my dreams are twisted and often frightening. I get sad quickly and for no good reason. I wonder if people truly care about me, or if they are just really nice people who put up with me. I hate seeing my mother cry. I’ve only seen my father cry once. I am actually friends with my parents. My best friends are over 10 years older than me. I hate school. I’m tired of being in classes and worrying about grades. I love the show Firefly, but hate Joss Whedon. I think that really bad movies are really fun.

With all of these things, I am not definable; I am unique. I do not fall into society’s categories.

In spite of all these things: my desires, my dreams, and my fears…

…I am a Nobody.

2006-10-22T22:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know whats happening anymore. I don't feel like myself. My emotions are all over the place. I wanna go home, but I can't. Not yet. I'm a burden on my parents, on my fiance...

He and I end of having the intense discussions that never go well. Its like we're fighting cause we can't be together. He says he feels empty...not because of me, he doesn't know why. I'm terrified its my fault somehow.

I've ended up crying two nights in a row. Things are slipping and I can't seem to hold on.

[EDIT]

I'm going to bed with an undefineable sense of despair. I'm looking at myself like one would study a text book, save that the answer key is all wrong.

I started writing last week, but can't stand the thought of anyone reading yet. I don't know where the drive for the story is coming from. I haven't really written since highschool. Easing back into it you might say.

I've been forgetting to take my medications...I don't really know why. I think that may be why my stomach's been so off, feels like my inside is wobbling. Going to set an alarm on my phone in the morning if I can remember.

Its warm in my room...uncomfortably so. But there's nothing I can do about it since there's no window. well technically there's a window, but it just looks into the studio if you open it...not much of a draft is gonna come in that way.

Shit....I fucking hate moths. One is buggering round my computer screen.

I think he's gone. I can feel my heart in my throat, more so when I breathe in. Odd sensation really.

I should go to bed. I have a meeting at 10am with my new supervisor. I have to show her what I've done so far on the internships and demonstrate the new database (which is pretty much a tricked out Excel sheet, though I am rather proud of it). Its simple, but she's not so good with certain software. Its gonna be a long day. Have to stop most of my caffeine intake, cannot watch television or use my computer for three hours before going to bed...doctor's orders.

almost (but quite) a case of "the cure is worse than the disease" save that this is supposed to help me sleep, or least get me as normal as I can be for the sleep study. this is going to require me to be social...or stack up on good books for those somewhat down nights when my mother's had a really bad day at work and is about as approachable as an attack cactus...

sit boy sit! good cactus...now stay...

damn moth...crap I killed it...now its a dead moth and I feel guilty...

how crazy is it that I feel bad for killing a moth? I couldn't watch the end of Gozilla (the bad remake with Matthew Broderick) because I get all choked up when the monster dies. I got tears when the creature tried to wake up its dead youngsters after they were blown up. In fact its happening now. I'm starting to cry.

God, I hate me.

2006-10-17T15:06:00.000-07:00

What's your inner power? (Girls only sorry. Beautiful anime pictures, lengthy results)

Empathy- Your inner power is Empathy! This means that you have a talent for identifying others emotions, often by simply glancing at them. You are EXTREMELY shy and quiet. People sometimes dont notice youre around and seem surprised to find out you even exist in a big class. Youre the often silent, goody two shoes, and few get passed the walls youve built up to stop yourself being hurt, as you no doubt have been in the past. Not everyone understands you, in fact some think that youre a snob or worse because you rarely participate in group activities. Youre extremely sensitive, even the least harsh of words can hurt you. Only your very few, closest friends who have earned your hard-to-get trust know who you really are inside; a sweet, gentle young woman who is lonely and so desperately needing friends to support you. You can get very depressed and not always know why, despite your power of empathy, as it seems to only work for people outside you. Your friends always turn to you when they need advice or comforting, and in some way you need to give that helpit makes you feel better in return to know that youve helped out your friends. Despite your cold, impassive exterior and high, seemingly unbreachable walls, inside you are really a great, intelligent person, full of compassion and love, if only people would dare take a chance and try to get through your tough shell. Never let others get you down, or change you. You are very special the way you areeven if you dont have fifty thousand friends, you are just as, if not more extraordinary than everyone else. Reach for the stars, because I dont doubt youll catch hold of them. Boy/Girl who will sweep you off your feet: A sweet, shy and romantic man/woman. The kind of guy/woman you know will never, ever hurt you, and will love you for ever. The kind of person who believes in true love, and soul mates. Your stone: Blue Topaz Your power: Healing. Emotionally, physically, or spiritually, you heal people with your words, your actions and presence. Youre the one that the little children are always drawn to, because they know youll never let anything hurt them. Your element: Clairvoyance (The power to see objects or events that cannot be perceived by the normal five senses.) A quote that applies to you: "True beauty shines from the soul and warms the world with its kindness, compassion , and integrity."
Take this quiz!

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Forget them

2006-10-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

Well I learned a valuable lesson today...never count on your friends to help you out when they have so many misconceptions...or don't have the guts to say no.

It was for charity. I wanted to raise money for a fucking charity using my small business profits. I am voluntarily giving away 50% of MY income for this. Is that not generous enough for people? I still need to actually live and make sure the business stays afloat. Should have known it wouldn't matter. I asked for practically no effort on their part. I know they got the email, but not one has had the decency to respond. If its a no, at least tell me.

Give them more time I tell myself...but I know it won't matter. It just won't. They're always about doing good works until it actually comes time to do them. If it doesn't fit their little perfect world model, they scoff at it.

I feel like I'm being too harsh, but I can't think of the last time I asked them for ANYTHING...

Screw it...I'll do it without them. I was so excited. I actually had the chance to do start something big.

Please let someone respond. Please let someone care.

2006-10-14T01:53:00.000-07:00

Yes! I found it! One of my all-time favortie songs...I just didn't know the title or artist. Apparently its called The Way and the group is called Fastball. Gotta love iTunes...

So I so don't want to go to sleep. I'm tired of the weird dreams and the nightmares. They won't go away. Don't know what to do anymore. I'm discovering that I have multiple health problems...and I don't know if any of them are related to the problem I went to the doctors for. I'm taking seven different medications now. *sigh* I hope it all helps.

I'm tired and beginning to feel down, but I just don't wanna go to bed. I want to disappear...be able to go somewhere else. Somewhere calm...fresh air, sound of water nearby. My happy place I guess.

Not much use though. I have to open my eyes sometime.

Take me home...

2006-09-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

Alrighty...I've been ordered by my friend to keep my blog updated while I'm gone. I'm going to Los Angeles for three months to help deal with my various health problems and get better treatment than I have been here in Atlanta.

I'm leaving in 12 days. Leavong behind my apartment, my cats, my friends, and my fiance. It royally sucks. I'm gonna miss folks. I hate being left out of the loop and I'm pretty much gonna be 2000 miles away from the loop entirely. My fiance should be gettting a gate pass at the airport. I know I'm gonna cry a lot.

Today is my one year anniversary with the love of my life...and we're pretty much too poor right now to do much about it. But we'll find a way to celebrate it fully I'm sure. We always seem to manage somehow. ^_^

I'm in weird space right now. I'm trying to enjoy every moment before I leave, but there's this date looming in the back of my mind.

I'm hoping this coming week end works out. Its suppposed to be a camping event with my LARP group, but things aren't going so hot. A lot of people aren't responding and...well, it may have to be shortened or canceled. I really am going be ticked off and upset if that happens. It happened the last time we were scheduled for a camping event too.

We'll see what happens.

2006-04-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

wow...just when I thought things would start to get better, the worst hits hard. My grandfather died in his sleep last night. Apparently the stress on his body from the last surgery was too much. We're not entirely sure what happened, but he went to sleep and never woke up. I'm flying out tomorrow to meet my mother for the funeral and will come back late Sunday morning. I loved him so much. I wanted him to be a bigger part of my life than he'd gotten to be in the past.

He'll never get to meet Gavin...if I get married he won't be able to celebrate with me...if I have kids he'll never be able to meet them...

I've been crying all morning. I already miss him so much. I'm trying to distract myself and not succeeding...my cat Charlie had her kittens today. Six adorable babies all snuggled up with momma.

2006-04-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

my eyes are so sore...just finished an 11 hour day where the entire time was spent staring at my computer screen and dealing with websites and excel sheets. I also have a nasty crook in my elbow and, for whatever reason, a very sore right knee. I'm waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up in spite of the fact that I don't actually know when he's going to get off. He was supposed to get off at 11 pm and its 11:35. I hope its soon. I've only eaten once today and think my stomach may eat itself very shortly.

have for the first time on record invited my older friends to my apartment for dinner. this means that more cleaning will be done tomorrow after another few hours of work. (I get to formatt over six hundred data points by hand...oooo the excitement)

much drama occured in my LARP group in the last 36 hours...a good deal of it was fairly painful and in all honesty its a bit hard to explain so pardon the very abrupt summary. A gentleman (not that he deserves that title mind you) in my LARP was politely asked to find a different group his patterns of bad behavior grew worse and worse to where he was affecting the game for others. He constantly said how unhappy he was so he was asked to leave. A huge fight blew up and many people over-reacted imediately citing he had been treated unfairly. But the only thing that matters now is trying to salvage what will be left, which may actually be more than I originally expected.

In the midst of all that...my glimmer of hope (other than showing off a nice clean apartment) is that this Saturday is the opening day of RenFaire!!!! Its truly one of those things I look foreward to year round...and this year is even better because I will have *gasp* spending money. I get my first paycheck of the new job tomorrow. (hence being willing to work the 11 hour day) I would like to actually spend my first paycheck on something I want before I start saving up for my boyfriend's birthday gift which is a round trip ticket to Los Angeles...yes, I'm going with him.

aieee! I just cracked bones I didn't know I had...then again being hunched over one's laptop for 11 hours isn't exactly ergonomic. I just want to curl up in bed with the love of my life and sleep...*blushes* well...anyways...moving along!

on a much more serious note, I actually began a healing process this past week that I never thought I'd have the courage to begin. And I owe it to my friends...people who have shown me what actual friendship is. No strings attached, not going in and out with the tide...I feel as though I've spent my entire life at sea and am feeling solid ground for the first time. Its strange, but wonderful. And to each of you, I dearly hope you already know who you are, who have helped me find my courage, I am eternally grateful. Thank you, thank you for everything. Without you my head would be barely above the water.

2006-04-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

arrrrggggghhhh! the pollen is everywhere! nw I realize that this really isn't anything new here but I can't tell if my nose is reacting to my cats or the very air I'm breathing.

*sigh*

tonight should be fun...and so should tomorrow. My friend's son is in town and I haven't seen him in awhile. He's sweet, but incorigible as all ten year old boys are. I can't wait to see what a terror he's gonna be in high school. He's gonna be quite the ladies man I think. HIs mom claims he already is.

My hair will soon be a different color so off I go.

ooooo.....I have ice cream.....YAY!

(to my friends who are letting there blogs collect dust...write! well, one of them is sort of excused due to lack of internet access at work...then again I'm writing...)

2006-03-31T09:58:00.000-08:00

okay...so its been awhile since I've posted. ^_^ I'm bad about that sometimes

well today is my second day on my new job...so far so good. Keep in mind I'm working with my father and we have an excellent relationship anyway. We are about to eat lunch. I am is office assistant/book keeper. I am a fast worker and am actually trained in organization methods (don't ask) so don't get the idea that I'm not qualified for the job. He picked me because he knew I could do it and he didn't have a stranger come to his apartment. That and my schedule is very flexible which is good because his is insane.

...why am I justifying this to you? oh lord, I'm explaining myself to nom-sentient entity...

that can't be a good thing...

well this morning I've spent organizing over a year and a half's worth of receipts, and I'm gonna kill him if he does this again. I've already started developing a workable filing and processing system for his various expenses so I don't have to do this for any other tax year.

oh...I also get to shred things...have I mentioned random destruction can be quite fufilling? *winks*

anyway lunch is ready...

careful of those manic mondays

2006-03-21T13:35:00.000-08:00

yesterday was so odd, I'm not actually sure where to start.

A cop stepped in front of my boyfriend's car, almost got himself killed and threatened to give him a ticket for something completely BS. My current plan is to figure out who it was and have them reported for reckless endangerment.

I had dance class. Wonderful time and a darned hard workout followed by a trip to IHOP. Quite tasty.

I then pass out getting into my friends's truck (that happens unfortunately often btw...the passing out not the truck thing) and hit the pavement only to wake up back in front of my apartment wet and freezing cold.

Did I mention the pouring rain that I didn't knnow was forecasted?

I was a movie with my boyfriend and one of our friend's recovering from the cold before I start working on the final project I have a ways to go on thats due the next day. And yes, I do know my planning on that sucked.

Work for awhile. Its starts out well, but then I get stuck on one of the landscape elements. My boyfriend falls asleep.

Then walking from my kitchen back into my living room I blaked out again, landing apparently solidly on my knees (they are bruised) and hitting my forehead on the wall (that's bruised to).

My boyfriend wakes up to this, helps me up, where I proceed to break into sobbing hysterics. The stress had finally hit the boiling point and I cried for a full hour.

My boyfriend bundled me off to bed after realizing that I'd still pass the class without this project. This was at 8 am this morning.

I'm tired, but as I just finished the last class for my whole quarter, I don't feel like just going and sitting at home...I wanna do something exciting. But my boyfriend has work till 11pm.

*sigh* I feel the urge to something new and crazy, but then I look at my legs and the cane supporting them, feel my forehead twinge when I furrow my eyebrows, and realize that I can't. Not alone.

And suddenly I long for that white tree in the Barnes and Noble parking lot when the sun is gone and only the lamp shows that life exists. I want to be back there and feel that complete freedom for a moment...just an instant, hoping it will stop the tears welling in my exhausted eyes.

2006-03-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

did very well on my exam this morning, in spite of being extrodinairily drowsy this morning...I almost fell asleep while studying in the upstairs cafe. My new sleep medication specifies 8 hours, but I went to bed late unexpectedly and screwed that up.

now very tired with a fairly long day ahead. Don't know how much I'll be able to do today, but I'm gonna try.

Had a very...zen moment...the other day. I had just read the newest in a series I like at Barnes and Noble. As I walked out into the night of the parking lot I saw a tree glowing in the ultra-bright light of the nearest street lamp. It was covered in five-petaled white flowers...they looked like stars. On an impulse I walked over and stood underneath it, staring up into the branches. Reaching out, the petal were silken and cool from the gusts of wind whipping through the area.

The world disappeared around me. It was only me and pure beauty of the earth. I could feel it absorb me into its fold.

Then someone called my name. *sigh* such a rude interruption, but they couldn't have known.

G'nite.

2006-03-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

well...going into Final's week and I will have no life. None at all. I have to finish my board game for psychology...on my own. My group is completely useless in that respect. Its not so much a problem that I don't want to do the work (I came up with the project when I didn't think I'd be in a group), its that they are going to get credit for something they did nothing on...eeerrrrggghhh. Oh well, c'est la vie.

In other news I;m learning to use pastels...they are soooo ridiculously pretty. Now if I could just figure out how to work them properly. I might even use them in one of my final projects...*gaspness* I don't generally work in color because no really ever taught me how. I'm sort of learning on the fly right now. I honestly didn't know that such a little bowl of fruit could cause such a huge problem. The final is much cooler. It a phantasmagorical (my teachers swear to deities that this is an actual word) landscape designed to portray grand space and depth using abstarctish a invented shapes. We can have a few recognizeable hings, but nothing that wacks you upside the head.

Anyway gotta run and do stuff. Wish me luck!

2006-03-10T08:29:00.000-08:00

okay...attempting not to panic. I left all my supplies for the still life drawing today back at the apartment and am not sure if I can get them from said apartment by class time at 2pm....*takes a deep breathe to prevent hyperventilation*

got to go figure out a plan, or doomed doesn't even begin to describe it.

2006-03-09T16:18:00.000-08:00

woohoo! the exam was easy...thats a huge relief.

well...am currently obsessing over my new Conan charcter. Not really sure why. I haven't been this into one of my characters since I first started table-top gaming. Just spent the last 45 minutes scouring the internet for information on the Aquilonian calander so I can give her a "birthday" of sorts. Not sure if that counts as pathetic or not. Its in the supplement "Aquilonia, Flower of the West" but I read through the book yesterday at Oxford and its nothing special. I don't feel like paying 35$ for nothing special. The only thing I would use the book for is the calender info. Guess I'll have to just go back to Oxford with paper and a pen. Wonder if I'm allowed to do that...ehh, not like they'll know.

Still working on the questionaire for the GM. Looks like I'm gonna just have to bite the bullet on some of the "What would you do if..." questions. They call for instinctual character responses and I haven't been able to nail down how I want this character to think. I was originally thinking she would just be quirky, but I'm leaning toward very eccentric (others call it crazy) when I play her. But at the same time, I'm leary about committing to the umm...eccentric idea. She's a good person. She's just got a few screws loose.

Probably should just go with what feels right for the character. My goal is to have the questionnaire done in a day or two.

In other news...I'm hungry.

Wait...I have chocolate in my back pack! YES!!! TTYL

2006-03-09T14:34:00.000-08:00

*sigh* spent most of today studying uncomfortably in the library. My back hurts more than I thought it would and doesn't seem to be feeling better. I'll probably give it some more time as I just hurt it yesterday. *blushes in embarassment* to those of you who I'm sure will be asking me how I managed to hurt myself I will explain when I see you next. And clean out you brains, it wasn't anything dirty.

Had my personal space completed invaded while trying to study. This guy from school, keeping in mind I dont know his name having been introduced once almost a year ago, came over to my table to say hello. He got within inches of my face while talking and then suddenly rested his head on my shoulder against my neck! I like to consider myself a fairly easy-going person, but he and I are are nothing more than aquaintences. I was uncofortable to the point of speechlessness.

Then again, the first week after we'd been intorduced in passing he thought it was okay to stand next to me and stroke my hair...

Ugghhh...

I'm gonna have to run off to class. I have an exam in psychology that I'm very unenthused over. My main goal is to pass, nothing more. I love psychology, but she kills it...repeatedly with a really big hammer. X_X

2006-03-06T14:45:00.000-08:00

why?! why will it not correctly post?! aaarrrggghhh...

lol...too cool!

2006-03-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

Mystic Theurge
48% Combativeness, 26% Sneakiness, 73% Intellect, 58% Spirituality

Brilliant and spiritual! You are a Mystic Theurge!

Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you�ve fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you�re an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't.

The Mystic Theurge is a combination of a cleric and a mage. They can cast both arcane and divine spells, and are good at both, making them pretty terrifying on the battlefield. They have more raw spellpower than just about any other class.

You're both intelligent and faithful, but not violent or deceitful. I guess that makes you a pretty good person.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 34% on Combativeness
You scored higher than 18% on Sneakiness
You scored higher than 78% on Intellect
You scored higher than 74% on Spirituality

MFlowers on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

pretty picture

2006-03-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

okay...well Friday was an evening of fairly mixed emotions. My boyfriend was supposed to get off at 10pm. When I called to make sure, he didn't know when he was actually going to get off. He was going to be the only pharmecutical tech working from 8pm until whenever he could get off. To make things worse it was their brand new night pharmacist (she's never worked in a retail pharmacy and his is the busiest in their entire district). He was already frustrated because he had wanted to visit with friends and grab a bite to eat when he got off.

Well I had had lunch but it was getting on 9 o'clock, and my friend Maggie was starving so we tried calling various friends. It ended up with us going to AppleBees so people could get food. I got something small so I could still get food wth my boyfriend when he got off. Around 11:20 I called the pharmacy to see where he was and he'd just left. He doesn't have a cell phone so I kinda waited figuring he'd call me from the gas station nearby when he found no one home.

He did. He called around 11:35, just as we were getting our checks for food. He asked where we were. So I told him and asked him if he wanted me to bring him anything home. He sounded like he had a bad day. So my plan was to get the check, go home, and figure out where he wanted to get food. I didn't get a chance. He snapped at me that he'd wanted to see people but nevermind. He was going to go find himself food, gave a terse goodbye, and hung up.

At this point I don't know why he's acting that way, but I figured he kinda needed to be alone, which is the usual case when he's had a particularly rough day. So I continued to hang out with friends. We drove to a neighborhood nearby to look at the pretty houses.

While we were out he called again from a friend's phone and asked where I was. I told him and he snapped "I'll see you in the morning then." When I tiredly asked if he was going to bed, he continued in the same tone about having work in the morning, how late it was and how he mistakenly thought we were going to visit with people. At this point one of us hung up and I started to tear up. My friends asked what I wanted to do and all I wanted to do was go home.

As I arrived at our apartment, Maggie noticed his car was gone. I began to worry, but just as we got in the house my phone rang. He was again trying to figure out where I was and I told him at home.

This was going to be a pretty big arguement I was sure. He'd acted like a complete ass and I had no idea why. I shuffled Maggie out of the apartment just as his car pulled back into our block, sat on the recliner, and waited.

What ensued was not at all what I'd expected. That day at the pharmacy the new pharamacist had panicked and told him to do something. As he is just a tech, the pharmacist can have him written up for not following instructions. Three write-ups and you're fired. He already has one and one of his bosses is trying find ways to fire him anyways because he doesn't take the guy's crap. Well, this particular something was illegal for him to do according to state law, so he said no. She got even more panicked and told him flatly just to do it. After three hours of having to man all four tech stations (drop-off, pick up, drive thru, and intial counts) on his own he was fried, broke down, and did it. She then tried to get him to do something else that only a pharmacist can do, but he utterly refused.

So he had gone in to full freak-out mode, both because he broke the law and he was terrified he screwed something up and hurt someone. He had desperately needed someone (in particular me) when he had gotten home, but didn't bother to tell me any of this on the phone. He yelled about how he'd wanted to see me, but apparently I didn't want to see him. I started to cry and backed up a littel as he continued to rave, but I realized one all important detail. He wasn't raving at me, not really. He had hit the breaking point and was taking it out on the only person who down here who's that close to him. He said he felt like he was going insane and hit himself in the head. I yelled at him to stop. His father is severely disabled due to a brain hemorrhage. I will not lose him that way.

Finally, he began to calm down slumped down into the recliner, utterly defeated. He continued talking. He had lost it at work. He didn't even know what he was doing much anymore. The one person who cared enough was standing there trying to understand and trying to figure out how to help, but all he could was yell about something there was no possible way for me to have known about. The last thing he had wanted to do was take it out in any way on me. All he wanted since 9pm at work was to hold me. He looked at me with a look of deep-seated hopelessness and asked a question that nearly broke my heart. "So I guess this is it for us huh?" He choked on the last word. I asked why. He said "Because of this whole thing....what I did just now, yelling at you." I walked over to him and ran my hands on his face. He had scared me, it was true. But not once was I scared for me, but scared from him. It would take a lot more than some elling for me to stop loving him as much as I do. I'm sure at some point down the lineI'm gonna yell at him. Heck, my parents and I had gotten into worse fights, but I still love them and think they were good parents.

But I told him I did think he should talk to someone. His father messed him up pretty bad as a child, and I think its still affecting him. As much as he fights being anything like his father, with at least some help he won't be able to properly move on. He asked me to get him the number for a counselor at our college today, which I did.

He's apologized more than once for that night. It hurt yeah, but everyone has days where its simply too much for them to handle alone. He's never been taught hown to handle that point, and I don't care what anyone says...you can't really on intuition alone.

2006-03-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

well this is my first post...unfortunately its not destined to be terribly interesting as today was just another friday. Mayhaps it will get more interesting.

One of my professors did flirt with me though...that was really weird. ~_~ oh well...he's a really good professor. (no worries it wasn't lecherous or anything, very gentlemanly flirting)

Gavin's working until ten tonight...gahh!