its late...my boyfriend is laying in bed asleep...and all I can think of is what would happen if I left the house and disappeared...

I want to hurt myself, but I can't do that to him. I almost broke a mirror the other day. I wanted to put my hand through it, watch it shatter, watch my hand bleed.

I only identify life through pain. I want to suffer.

I know I'm broken.

What happens to a doll that cannot be repaired?

I started the evening yesterday in such an awesome mood.

I wish it had stayed that way. I found out what in most people's brains would be an inaucuous bit of information. My fiance went to see the movie Stranger Than Fiction with a girl named Suzy, an old friend of his. Originally it was supposed to be him, Suzy, and Maggie, but Maggie bailed last minute.

Before I go on its important to state that he does not have a thing for her. He never has.

But she did. Just over a year ago that was one of the problems that led to the explosion and complete dissolution of our friendship. She confessed to me that she had a thing for my boyfriend...and I didn't care. I wasn't upset or angry with her.

This upset her. She apparently got mad cause I wasn't. She was also going through a lot of nasty emotional problems at the time and I was getting increasingly worried about her. I was afraid she was gonna hurt herself. I asked our friends for advice. They said to wait to do anything until she'd gone home for Christams and see if things improved for her then.

That seemed fairly reasonable to me. So I waited. Then things got significantly worse. I don't remember the exact event that triggered it, but I was at my wits end. The friend's who I'd gone to for advice convinced me to do it...to call her mother for help. It was the only thing I could think to do. Pat (Suzy's mom) was the only person I knew had enough of a role in her life to help. So I did. And all hell broke loose. Suzy went back to New York thinking that I hated her and treating me like shit. I was the only person she was mad at. Everyone else was blameless. She even told my fiance that she didn't blame him for his actions because he was just doing what I told him.

So, where were the friends who'd given me the advice? Nowhere to be seen. They didn't wanna take sides...bullshit. They didn't wanna have to deal with the consequences of what they were involved in, which meant that I got hung up to dry.

They didn't lose anything. I did. They got to go right back to being all cosy with her, sharing her life. I didn't. And they have the gall to get frustrated that Suzy and I still haven't made up. I'm sorry I can't forget what she did and said. I'm sorry I can't turn off yet another horrible memory in my life and simply move on. I'm tired of being the one who tries to patch everything up. I've done it my whole goddamn life and its grotesquely unfair. She has not put forth the effort so why the hell should I have to?

The truly sick part is that I will probably try and talk to her. I hold absolutely no hope whatsoever for that conversation given the absurd misconceptions she took away from the original fight. She doesn't want to hear that they might be wrong because that would spoil her little universe in which her deeply inset problems aren't real and its perfectly normal to talk to your friends about the offhand contemplation of suicide. It would also prove that what she did to me was truly heinous. She was one of my closest friends... She is one of two people who have ever come that close to making me break down completely, managed to make me hate myself quite so thoroughly to the point of ceasing to fully function.

So when that train crashes, just make sure to give my hideously mangled corpse a proper burial.

Kind Eerie...took this after the previous post but they connect well (see one before)

the Questioner Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,
friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved
and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me
1. Be direct and clear.
2. Listen to me carefully.
3. Don't judge me for my anxiety.
4. Work things through with me.
5. Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
6. Laugh and make jokes with me.
7. Gently push me toward new experiences.
8. Try not to overreact to my overreacting.
What I Like About Being a Six
1. being committed and faithful to family and friends
2. being responsible and hardworking
3. being compassionate toward others
4. having intellect and wit
5. being a nonconformist
6. confronting danger bravely
7. being direct and assertive
What's Hard About Being a Six
1. the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
2. procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence
in myself
3. fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
4. exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
5. wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
6. being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations


Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper
SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I made an interesting realization today about some of the fears I've been trying to work through.

I have abandonement issues.

The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. A good number of friends that I've had in previous years, people I considered to be my best friends, have deserted me in some form or another. Not "we fell out of touch", not "we grew apart", but actually ditched me like a moth-eaten sweater.

Even now that I have true friends who love me as much as I love them, I still end up feeling terrified that I'm going to drive them away like I did everyone else. I know on an intellectual level that their actions were theirs and theirs alone, that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, but it doesn't help on a deeper level. That insecurity sits there, waiting to rear its head when I least need it too (which of course is how all insecurities work).

If someone who usually spends a lot of time with, suddenly doesn't as much, I end up worrying. The sad part is that it doesn't have to be a terribly long period of time. At first I try and rationalize that its that they are just busy...trying anything to squash that little niggling feeling that's attempting to say its happening again. Sometimes its true...they are just busy. They don't mean anything when they fall out of contact for awhile. But sometimes I know I need to realize that when someone is too busy to keep any sort of contact, that perhaps you are not as important to them as they are to you. And those worries and fears come rushing back.

It also happens when you make a jump you because you know you have the support, but then almost no one is there to catch you. They said they would, but something changed. Maybe they got scared or maybe thought that you didn't need to be caught, I don't know. It doesn't make them bad people, or mean that they don't like you. Perhaps it just means they couldn't see it, couldn't see that you needed them. That still hurts though. You end up feeling invisible...even more insecure than before. Then you wonder if you should talk to them, but you're too scared of the reaction or the response to do it.

*sigh* I would love to think I over-analyze the situations, but in truth if I didn't I would get hurt even worse.

What am I?

A 5’9” unimpressive female with dyed red hair, blue eyes, and a narrow nose that falls into the full-figured/slightly chubby category at 20 years old.

Who am I?

A geek, who loves a male geek and owns three cats. I am an artist, a lover, a friend…some hate me, some don’t. I care or don’t. I worry about everything, even when I know I shouldn’t. I am often scared. Sometimes I wish that life were like the movies even though I’m an adult. What I don’t know about being insecure could fit into a teacup, but I am strong. I have hurt myself before, but will never do it again. I cry both when I am happy and when I am sad. In anger, I am mostly hot air if it’s about me. But if something is hurting a friend, my anger is not something to test. I’m good some boards games and crappy at most video games. The most advanced system I’ve actually owned is an original Nintendo. I think women are far more beautiful than men, but I am not a lesbian. Bisexual is not a state of confusion.

I love to dance, almost more than I like to draw. And I’m good, but I let my mind hold me back. I desperately want to own a house someday, but I love to travel. I daydream more than most. At night, my dreams are twisted and often frightening. I get sad quickly and for no good reason. I wonder if people truly care about me, or if they are just really nice people who put up with me. I hate seeing my mother cry. I’ve only seen my father cry once. I am actually friends with my parents. My best friends are over 10 years older than me. I hate school. I’m tired of being in classes and worrying about grades. I love the show Firefly, but hate Joss Whedon. I think that really bad movies are really fun.

With all of these things, I am not definable; I am unique. I do not fall into society’s categories.

In spite of all these things: my desires, my dreams, and my fears…

…I am a Nobody.

I don't know whats happening anymore. I don't feel like myself. My emotions are all over the place. I wanna go home, but I can't. Not yet. I'm a burden on my parents, on my fiance...

He and I end of having the intense discussions that never go well. Its like we're fighting cause we can't be together. He says he feels empty...not because of me, he doesn't know why. I'm terrified its my fault somehow.

I've ended up crying two nights in a row. Things are slipping and I can't seem to hold on.

[EDIT]

I'm going to bed with an undefineable sense of despair. I'm looking at myself like one would study a text book, save that the answer key is all wrong.

I started writing last week, but can't stand the thought of anyone reading yet. I don't know where the drive for the story is coming from. I haven't really written since highschool. Easing back into it you might say.

I've been forgetting to take my medications...I don't really know why. I think that may be why my stomach's been so off, feels like my inside is wobbling. Going to set an alarm on my phone in the morning if I can remember.

Its warm in my room...uncomfortably so. But there's nothing I can do about it since there's no window. well technically there's a window, but it just looks into the studio if you open it...not much of a draft is gonna come in that way.

Shit....I fucking hate moths. One is buggering round my computer screen.

I think he's gone. I can feel my heart in my throat, more so when I breathe in. Odd sensation really.

I should go to bed. I have a meeting at 10am with my new supervisor. I have to show her what I've done so far on the internships and demonstrate the new database (which is pretty much a tricked out Excel sheet, though I am rather proud of it). Its simple, but she's not so good with certain software. Its gonna be a long day. Have to stop most of my caffeine intake, cannot watch television or use my computer for three hours before going to bed...doctor's orders.

almost (but quite) a case of "the cure is worse than the disease" save that this is supposed to help me sleep, or least get me as normal as I can be for the sleep study. this is going to require me to be social...or stack up on good books for those somewhat down nights when my mother's had a really bad day at work and is about as approachable as an attack cactus...

sit boy sit! good cactus...now stay...

damn moth...crap I killed it...now its a dead moth and I feel guilty...

how crazy is it that I feel bad for killing a moth? I couldn't watch the end of Gozilla (the bad remake with Matthew Broderick) because I get all choked up when the monster dies. I got tears when the creature tried to wake up its dead youngsters after they were blown up. In fact its happening now. I'm starting to cry.

God, I hate me.

What's your inner power? (Girls only sorry. Beautiful anime pictures, lengthy results)

Empathy- Your inner power is Empathy! This means that you have a talent for identifying others emotions, often by simply glancing at them. You are EXTREMELY shy and quiet. People sometimes dont notice youre around and seem surprised to find out you even exist in a big class. Youre the often silent, goody two shoes, and few get passed the walls youve built up to stop yourself being hurt, as you no doubt have been in the past. Not everyone understands you, in fact some think that youre a snob or worse because you rarely participate in group activities. Youre extremely sensitive, even the least harsh of words can hurt you. Only your very few, closest friends who have earned your hard-to-get trust know who you really are inside; a sweet, gentle young woman who is lonely and so desperately needing friends to support you. You can get very depressed and not always know why, despite your power of empathy, as it seems to only work for people outside you. Your friends always turn to you when they need advice or comforting, and in some way you need to give that helpit makes you feel better in return to know that youve helped out your friends. Despite your cold, impassive exterior and high, seemingly unbreachable walls, inside you are really a great, intelligent person, full of compassion and love, if only people would dare take a chance and try to get through your tough shell. Never let others get you down, or change you. You are very special the way you areeven if you dont have fifty thousand friends, you are just as, if not more extraordinary than everyone else. Reach for the stars, because I dont doubt youll catch hold of them. Boy/Girl who will sweep you off your feet: A sweet, shy and romantic man/woman. The kind of guy/woman you know will never, ever hurt you, and will love you for ever. The kind of person who believes in true love, and soul mates. Your stone: Blue Topaz Your power: Healing. Emotionally, physically, or spiritually, you heal people with your words, your actions and presence. Youre the one that the little children are always drawn to, because they know youll never let anything hurt them. Your element: Clairvoyance (The power to see objects or events that cannot be perceived by the normal five senses.) A quote that applies to you: "True beauty shines from the soul and warms the world with its kindness, compassion , and integrity."
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Forget them

Well I learned a valuable lesson today...never count on your friends to help you out when they have so many misconceptions...or don't have the guts to say no.

It was for charity. I wanted to raise money for a fucking charity using my small business profits. I am voluntarily giving away 50% of MY income for this. Is that not generous enough for people? I still need to actually live and make sure the business stays afloat. Should have known it wouldn't matter. I asked for practically no effort on their part. I know they got the email, but not one has had the decency to respond. If its a no, at least tell me.

Give them more time I tell myself...but I know it won't matter. It just won't. They're always about doing good works until it actually comes time to do them. If it doesn't fit their little perfect world model, they scoff at it.

I feel like I'm being too harsh, but I can't think of the last time I asked them for ANYTHING...

Screw it...I'll do it without them. I was so excited. I actually had the chance to do start something big.

Please let someone respond. Please let someone care.