I made an interesting realization today about some of the fears I've been trying to work through.
I have abandonement issues.
The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. A good number of friends that I've had in previous years, people I considered to be my best friends, have deserted me in some form or another. Not "we fell out of touch", not "we grew apart", but actually ditched me like a moth-eaten sweater.
Even now that I have true friends who love me as much as I love them, I still end up feeling terrified that I'm going to drive them away like I did everyone else. I know on an intellectual level that their actions were theirs and theirs alone, that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, but it doesn't help on a deeper level. That insecurity sits there, waiting to rear its head when I least need it too (which of course is how all insecurities work).
If someone who usually spends a lot of time with, suddenly doesn't as much, I end up worrying. The sad part is that it doesn't have to be a terribly long period of time. At first I try and rationalize that its that they are just busy...trying anything to squash that little niggling feeling that's attempting to say its happening again. Sometimes its true...they are just busy. They don't mean anything when they fall out of contact for awhile. But sometimes I know I need to realize that when someone is too busy to keep any sort of contact, that perhaps you are not as important to them as they are to you. And those worries and fears come rushing back.
It also happens when you make a jump you because you know you have the support, but then almost no one is there to catch you. They said they would, but something changed. Maybe they got scared or maybe thought that you didn't need to be caught, I don't know. It doesn't make them bad people, or mean that they don't like you. Perhaps it just means they couldn't see it, couldn't see that you needed them. That still hurts though. You end up feeling invisible...even more insecure than before. Then you wonder if you should talk to them, but you're too scared of the reaction or the response to do it.
*sigh* I would love to think I over-analyze the situations, but in truth if I didn't I would get hurt even worse.
I have abandonement issues.
The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. A good number of friends that I've had in previous years, people I considered to be my best friends, have deserted me in some form or another. Not "we fell out of touch", not "we grew apart", but actually ditched me like a moth-eaten sweater.
Even now that I have true friends who love me as much as I love them, I still end up feeling terrified that I'm going to drive them away like I did everyone else. I know on an intellectual level that their actions were theirs and theirs alone, that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, but it doesn't help on a deeper level. That insecurity sits there, waiting to rear its head when I least need it too (which of course is how all insecurities work).
If someone who usually spends a lot of time with, suddenly doesn't as much, I end up worrying. The sad part is that it doesn't have to be a terribly long period of time. At first I try and rationalize that its that they are just busy...trying anything to squash that little niggling feeling that's attempting to say its happening again. Sometimes its true...they are just busy. They don't mean anything when they fall out of contact for awhile. But sometimes I know I need to realize that when someone is too busy to keep any sort of contact, that perhaps you are not as important to them as they are to you. And those worries and fears come rushing back.
It also happens when you make a jump you because you know you have the support, but then almost no one is there to catch you. They said they would, but something changed. Maybe they got scared or maybe thought that you didn't need to be caught, I don't know. It doesn't make them bad people, or mean that they don't like you. Perhaps it just means they couldn't see it, couldn't see that you needed them. That still hurts though. You end up feeling invisible...even more insecure than before. Then you wonder if you should talk to them, but you're too scared of the reaction or the response to do it.
*sigh* I would love to think I over-analyze the situations, but in truth if I didn't I would get hurt even worse.
posted by Tolkien Doll at 1:14 AM
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