I started the evening yesterday in such an awesome mood.

I wish it had stayed that way. I found out what in most people's brains would be an inaucuous bit of information. My fiance went to see the movie Stranger Than Fiction with a girl named Suzy, an old friend of his. Originally it was supposed to be him, Suzy, and Maggie, but Maggie bailed last minute.

Before I go on its important to state that he does not have a thing for her. He never has.

But she did. Just over a year ago that was one of the problems that led to the explosion and complete dissolution of our friendship. She confessed to me that she had a thing for my boyfriend...and I didn't care. I wasn't upset or angry with her.

This upset her. She apparently got mad cause I wasn't. She was also going through a lot of nasty emotional problems at the time and I was getting increasingly worried about her. I was afraid she was gonna hurt herself. I asked our friends for advice. They said to wait to do anything until she'd gone home for Christams and see if things improved for her then.

That seemed fairly reasonable to me. So I waited. Then things got significantly worse. I don't remember the exact event that triggered it, but I was at my wits end. The friend's who I'd gone to for advice convinced me to do it...to call her mother for help. It was the only thing I could think to do. Pat (Suzy's mom) was the only person I knew had enough of a role in her life to help. So I did. And all hell broke loose. Suzy went back to New York thinking that I hated her and treating me like shit. I was the only person she was mad at. Everyone else was blameless. She even told my fiance that she didn't blame him for his actions because he was just doing what I told him.

So, where were the friends who'd given me the advice? Nowhere to be seen. They didn't wanna take sides...bullshit. They didn't wanna have to deal with the consequences of what they were involved in, which meant that I got hung up to dry.

They didn't lose anything. I did. They got to go right back to being all cosy with her, sharing her life. I didn't. And they have the gall to get frustrated that Suzy and I still haven't made up. I'm sorry I can't forget what she did and said. I'm sorry I can't turn off yet another horrible memory in my life and simply move on. I'm tired of being the one who tries to patch everything up. I've done it my whole goddamn life and its grotesquely unfair. She has not put forth the effort so why the hell should I have to?

The truly sick part is that I will probably try and talk to her. I hold absolutely no hope whatsoever for that conversation given the absurd misconceptions she took away from the original fight. She doesn't want to hear that they might be wrong because that would spoil her little universe in which her deeply inset problems aren't real and its perfectly normal to talk to your friends about the offhand contemplation of suicide. It would also prove that what she did to me was truly heinous. She was one of my closest friends... She is one of two people who have ever come that close to making me break down completely, managed to make me hate myself quite so thoroughly to the point of ceasing to fully function.

So when that train crashes, just make sure to give my hideously mangled corpse a proper burial.