I don't know whats happening anymore. I don't feel like myself. My emotions are all over the place. I wanna go home, but I can't. Not yet. I'm a burden on my parents, on my fiance...

He and I end of having the intense discussions that never go well. Its like we're fighting cause we can't be together. He says he feels empty...not because of me, he doesn't know why. I'm terrified its my fault somehow.

I've ended up crying two nights in a row. Things are slipping and I can't seem to hold on.

[EDIT]

I'm going to bed with an undefineable sense of despair. I'm looking at myself like one would study a text book, save that the answer key is all wrong.

I started writing last week, but can't stand the thought of anyone reading yet. I don't know where the drive for the story is coming from. I haven't really written since highschool. Easing back into it you might say.

I've been forgetting to take my medications...I don't really know why. I think that may be why my stomach's been so off, feels like my inside is wobbling. Going to set an alarm on my phone in the morning if I can remember.

Its warm in my room...uncomfortably so. But there's nothing I can do about it since there's no window. well technically there's a window, but it just looks into the studio if you open it...not much of a draft is gonna come in that way.

Shit....I fucking hate moths. One is buggering round my computer screen.

I think he's gone. I can feel my heart in my throat, more so when I breathe in. Odd sensation really.

I should go to bed. I have a meeting at 10am with my new supervisor. I have to show her what I've done so far on the internships and demonstrate the new database (which is pretty much a tricked out Excel sheet, though I am rather proud of it). Its simple, but she's not so good with certain software. Its gonna be a long day. Have to stop most of my caffeine intake, cannot watch television or use my computer for three hours before going to bed...doctor's orders.

almost (but quite) a case of "the cure is worse than the disease" save that this is supposed to help me sleep, or least get me as normal as I can be for the sleep study. this is going to require me to be social...or stack up on good books for those somewhat down nights when my mother's had a really bad day at work and is about as approachable as an attack cactus...

sit boy sit! good cactus...now stay...

damn moth...crap I killed it...now its a dead moth and I feel guilty...

how crazy is it that I feel bad for killing a moth? I couldn't watch the end of Gozilla (the bad remake with Matthew Broderick) because I get all choked up when the monster dies. I got tears when the creature tried to wake up its dead youngsters after they were blown up. In fact its happening now. I'm starting to cry.

God, I hate me.

What's your inner power? (Girls only sorry. Beautiful anime pictures, lengthy results)

Empathy- Your inner power is Empathy! This means that you have a talent for identifying others emotions, often by simply glancing at them. You are EXTREMELY shy and quiet. People sometimes dont notice youre around and seem surprised to find out you even exist in a big class. Youre the often silent, goody two shoes, and few get passed the walls youve built up to stop yourself being hurt, as you no doubt have been in the past. Not everyone understands you, in fact some think that youre a snob or worse because you rarely participate in group activities. Youre extremely sensitive, even the least harsh of words can hurt you. Only your very few, closest friends who have earned your hard-to-get trust know who you really are inside; a sweet, gentle young woman who is lonely and so desperately needing friends to support you. You can get very depressed and not always know why, despite your power of empathy, as it seems to only work for people outside you. Your friends always turn to you when they need advice or comforting, and in some way you need to give that helpit makes you feel better in return to know that youve helped out your friends. Despite your cold, impassive exterior and high, seemingly unbreachable walls, inside you are really a great, intelligent person, full of compassion and love, if only people would dare take a chance and try to get through your tough shell. Never let others get you down, or change you. You are very special the way you areeven if you dont have fifty thousand friends, you are just as, if not more extraordinary than everyone else. Reach for the stars, because I dont doubt youll catch hold of them. Boy/Girl who will sweep you off your feet: A sweet, shy and romantic man/woman. The kind of guy/woman you know will never, ever hurt you, and will love you for ever. The kind of person who believes in true love, and soul mates. Your stone: Blue Topaz Your power: Healing. Emotionally, physically, or spiritually, you heal people with your words, your actions and presence. Youre the one that the little children are always drawn to, because they know youll never let anything hurt them. Your element: Clairvoyance (The power to see objects or events that cannot be perceived by the normal five senses.) A quote that applies to you: "True beauty shines from the soul and warms the world with its kindness, compassion , and integrity."
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Forget them

Well I learned a valuable lesson today...never count on your friends to help you out when they have so many misconceptions...or don't have the guts to say no.

It was for charity. I wanted to raise money for a fucking charity using my small business profits. I am voluntarily giving away 50% of MY income for this. Is that not generous enough for people? I still need to actually live and make sure the business stays afloat. Should have known it wouldn't matter. I asked for practically no effort on their part. I know they got the email, but not one has had the decency to respond. If its a no, at least tell me.

Give them more time I tell myself...but I know it won't matter. It just won't. They're always about doing good works until it actually comes time to do them. If it doesn't fit their little perfect world model, they scoff at it.

I feel like I'm being too harsh, but I can't think of the last time I asked them for ANYTHING...

Screw it...I'll do it without them. I was so excited. I actually had the chance to do start something big.

Please let someone respond. Please let someone care.

Yes! I found it! One of my all-time favortie songs...I just didn't know the title or artist. Apparently its called The Way and the group is called Fastball. Gotta love iTunes...

So I so don't want to go to sleep. I'm tired of the weird dreams and the nightmares. They won't go away. Don't know what to do anymore. I'm discovering that I have multiple health problems...and I don't know if any of them are related to the problem I went to the doctors for. I'm taking seven different medications now. *sigh* I hope it all helps.

I'm tired and beginning to feel down, but I just don't wanna go to bed. I want to disappear...be able to go somewhere else. Somewhere calm...fresh air, sound of water nearby. My happy place I guess.

Not much use though. I have to open my eyes sometime.

Take me home...