I started the evening yesterday in such an awesome mood.

I wish it had stayed that way. I found out what in most people's brains would be an inaucuous bit of information. My fiance went to see the movie Stranger Than Fiction with a girl named Suzy, an old friend of his. Originally it was supposed to be him, Suzy, and Maggie, but Maggie bailed last minute.

Before I go on its important to state that he does not have a thing for her. He never has.

But she did. Just over a year ago that was one of the problems that led to the explosion and complete dissolution of our friendship. She confessed to me that she had a thing for my boyfriend...and I didn't care. I wasn't upset or angry with her.

This upset her. She apparently got mad cause I wasn't. She was also going through a lot of nasty emotional problems at the time and I was getting increasingly worried about her. I was afraid she was gonna hurt herself. I asked our friends for advice. They said to wait to do anything until she'd gone home for Christams and see if things improved for her then.

That seemed fairly reasonable to me. So I waited. Then things got significantly worse. I don't remember the exact event that triggered it, but I was at my wits end. The friend's who I'd gone to for advice convinced me to do it...to call her mother for help. It was the only thing I could think to do. Pat (Suzy's mom) was the only person I knew had enough of a role in her life to help. So I did. And all hell broke loose. Suzy went back to New York thinking that I hated her and treating me like shit. I was the only person she was mad at. Everyone else was blameless. She even told my fiance that she didn't blame him for his actions because he was just doing what I told him.

So, where were the friends who'd given me the advice? Nowhere to be seen. They didn't wanna take sides...bullshit. They didn't wanna have to deal with the consequences of what they were involved in, which meant that I got hung up to dry.

They didn't lose anything. I did. They got to go right back to being all cosy with her, sharing her life. I didn't. And they have the gall to get frustrated that Suzy and I still haven't made up. I'm sorry I can't forget what she did and said. I'm sorry I can't turn off yet another horrible memory in my life and simply move on. I'm tired of being the one who tries to patch everything up. I've done it my whole goddamn life and its grotesquely unfair. She has not put forth the effort so why the hell should I have to?

The truly sick part is that I will probably try and talk to her. I hold absolutely no hope whatsoever for that conversation given the absurd misconceptions she took away from the original fight. She doesn't want to hear that they might be wrong because that would spoil her little universe in which her deeply inset problems aren't real and its perfectly normal to talk to your friends about the offhand contemplation of suicide. It would also prove that what she did to me was truly heinous. She was one of my closest friends... She is one of two people who have ever come that close to making me break down completely, managed to make me hate myself quite so thoroughly to the point of ceasing to fully function.

So when that train crashes, just make sure to give my hideously mangled corpse a proper burial.

Kind Eerie...took this after the previous post but they connect well (see one before)

the Questioner Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,
friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved
and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me
1. Be direct and clear.
2. Listen to me carefully.
3. Don't judge me for my anxiety.
4. Work things through with me.
5. Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
6. Laugh and make jokes with me.
7. Gently push me toward new experiences.
8. Try not to overreact to my overreacting.
What I Like About Being a Six
1. being committed and faithful to family and friends
2. being responsible and hardworking
3. being compassionate toward others
4. having intellect and wit
5. being a nonconformist
6. confronting danger bravely
7. being direct and assertive
What's Hard About Being a Six
1. the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
2. procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence
in myself
3. fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
4. exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
5. wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
6. being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations


Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper
SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

Link: The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I made an interesting realization today about some of the fears I've been trying to work through.

I have abandonement issues.

The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. A good number of friends that I've had in previous years, people I considered to be my best friends, have deserted me in some form or another. Not "we fell out of touch", not "we grew apart", but actually ditched me like a moth-eaten sweater.

Even now that I have true friends who love me as much as I love them, I still end up feeling terrified that I'm going to drive them away like I did everyone else. I know on an intellectual level that their actions were theirs and theirs alone, that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, but it doesn't help on a deeper level. That insecurity sits there, waiting to rear its head when I least need it too (which of course is how all insecurities work).

If someone who usually spends a lot of time with, suddenly doesn't as much, I end up worrying. The sad part is that it doesn't have to be a terribly long period of time. At first I try and rationalize that its that they are just busy...trying anything to squash that little niggling feeling that's attempting to say its happening again. Sometimes its true...they are just busy. They don't mean anything when they fall out of contact for awhile. But sometimes I know I need to realize that when someone is too busy to keep any sort of contact, that perhaps you are not as important to them as they are to you. And those worries and fears come rushing back.

It also happens when you make a jump you because you know you have the support, but then almost no one is there to catch you. They said they would, but something changed. Maybe they got scared or maybe thought that you didn't need to be caught, I don't know. It doesn't make them bad people, or mean that they don't like you. Perhaps it just means they couldn't see it, couldn't see that you needed them. That still hurts though. You end up feeling invisible...even more insecure than before. Then you wonder if you should talk to them, but you're too scared of the reaction or the response to do it.

*sigh* I would love to think I over-analyze the situations, but in truth if I didn't I would get hurt even worse.